Our goal should never be to return to the athletes that we once were. It should be to chart a new course. To build a new identity. To define our own terms. – Amelia Boone
I think of this quote often. The runner I was before kids. The runner I became after kids. The runner I am as a coach. The runner I am now after Boston coming back from, I guess I should say it, I haven’t up to this point, from injury. Whoa, I said it. To be honest I’ve never said it because my issues aren’t that terrible. I didn’t break a bone, I could still run even though it felt crappy, and the anemia “just” makes me tired. It also wasn’t just one thing. It’s a combination of things. Whatever I call it, the fact is, it kept me and changed me from being the runner I was before. Also, let’s put things into perspective, I’m not a professional runner. No one is holding their breath wondering when I will be back winning races again. I’m the one putting, as usual, unrealistic expectations on myself. However, being somewhat sidelined these last few weeks I’ve realized that I’ve secretly liked having this excuse. This “injury”. It gave me a justifiable reason to slow down. To rest. To work on getting stronger. To let go of paces. Why I needed an excuse, that’s for discussion on another day.
The picture above is from a run I did this past week. A run where I realized my legs actually felt good which caused pure joy and a few thoughts to come to the surface and take over my run. The what if thoughts started. What if I no longer PR? What if I can’t run that 20 miler to get me to that Marine Corp. Marathon start line? What if after all this work the pain just comes back? I have a goal to run the Mendocino 50K, what if my body won’t let me do distance anymore? You see, I have been running with this discomfort for over 5 months now. It becomes a little difficult to remember what it’s like to run without it. Each time I go out to run, I wonder if I will feel good or not so good.
Please know that I know these aren’t life threatening problems. There is worse than what I am going through happening out in the world. For me, sometimes I just need to say the words, get them out of my head and out into the Universe. Then they lose all their energy and power over me. I see them and the situation differently. I still have healing that needs to happen. Work still to be done. I’m not the runner I was before Boston. So as Amelia says above, I’m working on charting a new course one day at a time. Working on changing my thoughts to something a little more positive, for example, what if after all this work I am even stronger. I mean, come on, I’m 50 and this is the first time I’m sidelined, get a grip Liz. Worry and what if’s (the negative ones) are wasted energy. A projection into the future. They take me out of the here and now. Having lived 5 decades now I’ve seen unchartered territory before. So what if….?